HARRY POTTER
How about that? A wizard vs a little brat!
Don't need a rabbit to pull out of this hat.
Your author pales in comparison to mine
She's rich, she's beautiful, and she dines fine.
As far as bestsellers go, I have no equal
And I'll mess you up hard like PP did in the sequel.
You're an anti-intellectual ragamuffin, I'm a great wizard
You wandered around in the middle of a great blizzard.
LYRA BELACQUA
And I thought I pulled pranks, now you’re taking the piss
Firstly, most importantly, don’t diss this miss!
And they think killing God was an utter travesty
But you’re just the bane of adolescent fantasy!
You're forgotten, your writer's a blatant homophobe
Whereas my name's getting fame all over the globe!
My author's not rich, but at least he's more educated
Your Auror career should have just dissipated.
HARRY POTTER
Now you listen here, you little Dido Shite
Neither your film nor your show could get you right.
I made JK Rowling a millionaire overnight
Whereas Hollywood mocked your author out of spite!
You always run around, getting into trouble
I'll Stupefy you so hard, you'll be seeing double!
You can't even know what you're supposed to do
But your entire book series runs on "boo-hoo!"
PAN
Lyra, don't you think we should get Will on this one?
LYRA BELACQUA
Nah! Hush, Pan, I know we can get this done.
Now Harry, I know you cannot call yourself a stranger
But what on earth did you do to Hermione Granger?
You're spoiled, entirely dependent on magic
But your backstory's really unnecessarily tragic.
You trashed Dumby's office, you yelled at your friends.
And you let Voldy use you for his own ends.
HARRY POTTER
What about you? You were born out of wedlock
But your mother, oh, she can suck my kokk
She drugged you in a cave, tried to make you a slave
It's a wonder you didn't end up as depraved.
You blunder your way through life and everyone lies to you
Your writer's horrid blog posts remind me of goo.
You became so dependent on Will you lost your character
Your Ayn Randian fantasies soaked up you up hereafter.
LYRA BELACQUA
Before the telly I walked through radio dramatisation
While you became soaked in gross commercialisation!
You're just as prone to deception and lying
At least readers of my third book were all left crying!
I saved an abandoned child from a hut up north
You couldn't even find a friend who had proper worth.
Tom Natsworthy just called and he wants a spot
So I think I'll give him the pedestal you've got.
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
WE'LL SEE!
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