Written Rap Battles of Literature: Indiana Jones vs Allan Quatermain

 INDIANA JONES

I hate snakes, and this elephant hunter's one of them!

I'll raise the Staff at the god of the Sun at 'im!

I'm famous for my movies, my boulder, my iconic look

You're only famous because of Alan Moore's fourth best book!

I never knew being able to hunt was a suitable requirement

Playing you made the guy playing my dad hit retirement!

You indulge in cocaine, a most deplorable habit

Wanna hunt something? Go hunt a rabbit!

ALLAN QUATERMAIN

For a teacher, you just can't stay in the classroom.

I'll bet the actors playing your girls didn't stay in the churchroom!

Let's face it, one of them wasn't even a bloody American,

Your self-centred country should be 'presented by a pelican!

I found King Solomon's Mines, fought alongside Umslopogaas

I even met a mammoth and a man frozen in the ice.

You insult me again, I'll stab you with my spear

Your ivory boulder will prove ineffective, I fear.

INDIANA JONES

Self-centred? Yeah, that's rich.

Your movie stole my ideas, you English sonuvabitch!

At least I pay attention to my biological son

Elephants ain't for hunting, dear Macumazahn.

I've tangled with cultists, Nazis and God himself

In your sequel, your author tried to put you on the shelf.

ALLAN QUATERMAIN

You seriously think your aliens can cause me to tarry?

Don't you dare imply I neglected my poor Harry!

Against a mad swordsman, you can't fight properly

Your rival plagiarised your intellectual property!

Marion says you really shoulda stuck with her

Rather than illegitimately fathering and adopting Chink litter.

Zikali will leave a taste in your mouth that'll be so bitter

That my verses will seem like a bloody light hitter!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE! 

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Lyra Belacqua vs Harry Potter

 HARRY POTTER

How about that? A wizard vs a little brat!

Don't need a rabbit to pull out of this hat.

Your author pales in comparison to mine

She's rich, she's beautiful, and she dines fine.

As far as bestsellers go, I have no equal

And I'll mess you up hard like PP did in the sequel.

You're an anti-intellectual ragamuffin, I'm a great wizard

You wandered around in the middle of a great blizzard.

LYRA BELACQUA

And I thought I pulled pranks, now you’re taking the piss

Firstly, most importantly, don’t diss this miss!

And they think killing God was an utter travesty

But you’re just the bane of adolescent fantasy!

You're forgotten, your writer's a blatant homophobe

Whereas my name's getting fame all over the globe!

My author's not rich, but at least he's more educated

Your Auror career should have just dissipated. 

HARRY POTTER

Now you listen here, you little Dido Shite

Neither your film nor your show could get you right.

I made JK Rowling a millionaire overnight

Whereas Hollywood mocked your author out of spite!

You always run around, getting into trouble

I'll Stupefy you so hard, you'll be seeing double!

You can't even know what you're supposed to do

But your entire book series runs on "boo-hoo!"

PAN

Lyra, don't you think we should get Will on this one?

LYRA BELACQUA

Nah! Hush, Pan, I know we can get this done.

Now Harry, I know you cannot call yourself a stranger

But what on earth did you do to Hermione Granger?

You're spoiled, entirely dependent on magic

But your backstory's really unnecessarily tragic.

You trashed Dumby's office, you yelled at your friends.

And you let Voldy use you for his own ends.

HARRY POTTER

What about you? You were born out of wedlock

But your mother, oh, she can suck my kokk

She drugged you in a cave, tried to make you a slave

It's a wonder you didn't end up as depraved.

You blunder your way through life and everyone lies to you

Your writer's horrid blog posts remind me of goo.

You became so dependent on Will you lost your character

Your Ayn Randian fantasies soaked up you up hereafter.

LYRA BELACQUA

Before the telly I walked through radio dramatisation

While you became soaked in gross commercialisation!

You're just as prone to deception and lying

At least readers of my third book were all left crying!

I saved an abandoned child from a hut up north

You couldn't even find a friend who had proper worth.

Tom Natsworthy just called and he wants a spot

So I think I'll give him the pedestal you've got.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Sir Percival Glynde vs John Willoughby

SIR PERCIVAL GLYNDE

Ha ha ha! At last! 'Tis the Bad Baronet

Here to diss this philandering dissolute

You fucked someone's ward, and then you ditched her

Was that your child in the throes? Oh you must've missed her.

And the worst part is, you can't even say sorry.

No wonder the Duke must've left in a hurry! 

JOHN WILLOUGHBY

Oh, no fun? Well that's just dumb.

You're no better than that Brando scum.

Your obsession with your bae is just creepy

But these days, your story comes off as weepy

Born out of wedlock, you strove to correct that ire

And all it made you do was die in a fire.

You manipulate every girl to the whims of desire.

But you're a cartoon villain without the attire.

SIR PERCIVAL GLYDE

EH? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY PAST?!

Doesn't matter; 'gainst my bars you won't even last!

Count Fosco and I on Marianne our gaze shall cast

The whims of I shall never be half-arsed!

I'm evil, but you're unapologetically flawed

God only knows how many women you whored.

Your scandal was most deservedly abhorred

But this baronet has you completely floored!

BLACK MICHAEL

Did someone say bastard? Make way for me

The bastard son of Ruritania, direct from His Majesty!

Whose brother tried to take the crown that was rightfully his

I'm the master of Castle Zenda, which is where I kept him

But Rassendyll undid me, and so I left him.

My rhymes are better, and so I'm going into this din

The combatants are set, but it's Michael who's gonna win!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Mr Collins vs Malvolio

 MALVOLIO

Pray, forsooth, have you no wit, manners nor honesty

But to participate in this battle devoid of modesty?

You're making an ale house of this battle, but I'm the star

How anyone can like you is really bizarre!

Your tomfoolery is not to be laughed at

You're weak and ineffectual, and just to be scoffed at.

To Lady Catherine, you rather pointlessly grovel

But you're a pompous fool, who's never read a novel.

MR COLLINS

You're one to talk, but I'm one to rhyme.

This Austen character's got his own paradigm

At least I landed a decent enough spouse.

You wound up for a week in the nuthouse!

I glunkadunked your yellow stockinks, cross-gartered

But for your crush on Olivia, you're hopelessly martyred.

You despise all entertainment, so I shall be quite plain:

Our silly frolics are probably the only things you disdain.

MALVOLIO

My master, are you mad? To think yourself good at verse.

By the time I'm done, you'll be leaving in a hearse.

You gabble like a tinker, but en't you a stinker?

Your wife manipulated you and you bought it, hook line and sinker!

Your romance with Elizabeth is fake, and could be more discreet

Your obsession with beauty is off the beat!

All you want is children, but not to do much to get it

Your hatred for the Bennets consumed you 'cos you let it!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!