Written Rap Battles of Literature: Frankenstein’s Creature vs Shrike

 THE CREATURE

I'm the real deal, not this undead freak

Ought to be an Adam - tell that to any geek!

Felled by the power of love, you dropped like a stone!

Then you woke up, with only children, and all alone.

Remembering machine? I'm dismembering mechs

If this were a card game, I'd be dealing the decks.

SHRIKE

WHO LET THIS POSER ANYWHERE NEAR ME?

ALL YOUR WANTED WAS YOUR CREATOR'S LOVE, BUT HE HATED YE

YOU THREW A HISSY FIT AND YOU MURDERED ALL HIS FRIENDS

YOUR UGLINESS WAS A THING YOU JUST COULDN'T COMPREHEND

LET'S FACE IT, NOBODY WOULD PLAY GOD FOR THIS FREAK

HESTER WOULD RATHER DEFECATE ON YOU THAN ACCEPT YOUR MYSTIQUE

JUST COULDN'T WORK OUT HOW TO COHABIT WITH HUMANS

BUT EVEN I WOULDN'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, MAN

THE CREATURE

You're a mere curiosity, Orianna would quite agree

At least this MC's more of a semblance of humanity

I'm Olimpia's consort, and King of the Toylands

And I absolutely have never lost my hands.

My book challenged Regency thinking and science

Wantonly bestowed with life, yes, but by no means inept

I murdered at least three or four people and the secret was kept.

SHRIKE

YOU WANTED YOUR CREATOR TO MAKE YOU A BRIDE

I AT LEAST WOULDN'T WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE RUN AND HIDE

AT ANY RATE, IT WAS AN OFFENCE TO THINK YOU COULD REPLACE ME

YOUR BORIS KARLOFF DEPICTION JUST SCREWED YOU UP UTTERLY!

YOU DEBUTED IN A BOOK THAT PEOPLE DON'T READ ANYMORE

I'M SURE BYRONIC ANGST WOULD COME KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR

LOOK, I CAN CONDONE AT LEAST SOME OF YOUR BEHAVIOUR

BUT EVEN I CAN'T FORGIVE YOUR CAMEO IN HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Calcifer vs Crowley

CALCIFER

In this battle, your outcome's looking pretty dismal.

I'm shining like a gemstone, you can call me Billy Crystal.

I refuse to be exploited, but I've got this single hitch,

Spawning T-shirts and merchandise up your arse, bitch!

The scary and powerful fire demon is scorching your raps

My contract allows me to incinerate your turgid angel chap.

Is fomenting discord all you know? You're a nuisance.

You're so utterly inept even Mandrake would think you useless.

CROWLEY

Had you not eaten Howl's heart, you'd have been minced.

All you do is sit around the castle doling out hints

I saved the world from the Apocalypse, you elf.

I even designed London's very motorway itself.

Adam would agree that you're not exactly Daryan

We won't forget the time you fought the Librarian.

I'll pour holy water on you while I'm on the go

Your creator was an antiquated hazbin hoe!

Let's face it, you weren't exactly a beauty

But Ghibli came along and made you a cute little cutie!

CALCIFER

Right, now that you've bruised my ego, let's dance.

I mean, what is it with you and your obsession with plants?

I'm hinting disapprovingly, just call me James Frownwoods

'Cos I fell from the sky, you just 'sauntered vaguely downwards'.

In terms of who’s a better demon, there’s really no contest

I’m a well-rounded character and that makes me the best.

Your creators named you after a notorious occultist

They couldn't have possibly gotten any more pissed.

Me! Lubbock-killing MC, meanie blue-and-greeny

You, adviser to Shakespeare, turncoat, gang member

Might as well have been a djinn or genie!

CROWLEY

You’re just Sophie’s bitch, and you’re vulnerable to water

Led a fellow daemon like a lamb to the slaughter

I'm practically the hero, you're just a hanger-on

Practically bullied by an old biddy to cook on.

I'm an MC brimming with brimstone and fire

I'll throw water on you to douse you out of ire

I drove through my handiwork, hated the flood

You're just a mere flame of a dud.

The Grand Council would prefer to brand you a nutter

But they all say - SO LONG SUCKER!