Written Rap Battles of Literature: Slippy Toad vs Mr Toad of Toad Hall

MR TOAD

Straight from the Thames Valley, it’s a toad with zest

Here to demonstrably diss this high-pitched pest!

I'd say this is the life of a gentleman

But you're no gentlemen, see! 

You’re so annoying, you enrage even me!

You only help in wars because you get paid

but in nigh-on thirty years, you could never bloody get laid!

Now, you fellow, prepare to take a plummet

If I wanted to kill you, I’d have already done it.

SLIPPY TOAD

Like summer tempests have come your tears

Your book hasn't been popular with kids for years!

Like we weren't already subjected to your inanity

Your songs full of conceit and boasting and vanity

Classic my arse! I can't take a single shot

But at least my game's not as meandering as your plot!

Your creator created you based upon his son

A weirdo he disowned before his life was done;

Your obsession with autos really unnerves me, troll

Go get some driving lessons, and while you're at it, do a barrel roll!

MR TOAD

At least I've managed to actually do something

While you were in Star Fox, you did absolutely nothing!

Story twice retold, repackaged and resold

So you're the one who's been turning old.

Go drown your sorrows in Krystal meth

Oh wait, that'll bring your death

Unlike godlike Fox, you don't even have a love interest!

I’ve tangled with gods from Greece

So call me David Jason and the Golden Fleece

I'm hogging the mic, kept all fresh and nice

Whereas your whole story's been rewritten - twice!

Is it the King or Kitchener? No, Toad's castin' the dice!

SLIPPY TOAD

Your criminal record is utterly depressing

Tried stealing autos but ended up cross-dressing

Then you went and stole a bargee's horse

And sold it to a Romani for a full-dinner course!

You're disgraceful, you've reached your limit

I'mma take your hide and skin it

Sell the hair for Cornerian dollars

Ha! That for your Oxford scholars!

You couldn't even drive a boat in the rain

You crashed cars, and hitched a lift aboard a fecking train!

MR TOAD

I'm aristocracy, so dick to me

Your lack of worth is a travesty.

I'll buy myself an Arwing, and then I'll learn to man it

And use it to go to war with your whole bim planet!

Your military dictator won't dare to stop the glorious Toad

Loved by the Queen, while she sat in the window and sewed.

The stubborn and die-hard glory Toad shall lay low

Your dogs and cats and your incompetent magic hoes!

Just ask Badger how we bonk our enemies

We fought the Weasels at Toad Hall, and ejected these

Just ask any Tom, Dick or Stroopid about me!

I'll have you pinned on a spike on Sauria's crust

When you become the first frog to bite the dust!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!