Dallben vs Gandalf

Hi, guys! This time I have decided to move on from fiction writing and started my own series of written rap lyrics. Inspired by Epic Rap Battles of History and its many parodies, it takes various literary characters and pits them against each other. This first one is Dallben vs Gandalf... give it up!

GANDALF

YOOOOOOO! CAN! NOT! PASS!

So get off your 300-year-old arse

I am the greatest Maia, you lazy bastard

You’re just a mere human, not a master

You don’t use your magic, all you do is sleep

The power of my bars would make Coll weep.

I’ve starred in a book and six lucrative flicks

You’ve only a crap Disney movie and a fanmade webcomic!

You made no big sacrifice, you fucked right off to heaven.

You’re no Welshman, sounds more like you’re from Devon.

Didn’t I hear you were blind, Kevin?

Go swallow some food from Gurgi’s magic bag

Or get it on with some big-bosomed hag

You’re so lazy that that wretched hack tonino4

made you a substance abuser who loves fucking whores.

DALLBEN

My spells were never meant to destroy, only to warn

But I’ll burn you so hard, Olorin‘s arse shall be scorched

In the fire that’ll consume Caer Dallben once I’m dead

Perhaps the Book’s lightning will scald Mithrandir’s head!

The White Rider? You’re even less of a fighter,

I saw better prowess in your veteran writer!

Even against the Balrog, you lay down and died

Lady Dôn help you if you herewith survive!

While I was raising a teenage kid and a fat white pig

You got drunk and high with a bunch of scrawny hobbits.

Magic is a great skill, as far as with you I can discern it

But wiser heads than yours will determine when you should learn it.

GANDALF

DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS!

I DON’T EVEN WANT YOUR STUPID LESSONS IN MAGIC!

I’ll tie a big rope round your wrinkly balls,

And on your Fawking knees you shall crawl.

You swallowed a potion and got kicked out of home.

You got turned old, and you still continued to roam

I’m a servant of the Secret Fire, you’re nothing.

Maybe you should have chosen the harp or something.

I was helping fight against Melkor, you’re scared of eating dirt

You’re so sleepy and lax you let a boy do all the work.

You’re passive and let Arawn wreak havoc around you.

Rumours that you slept with Eilonwy surround you.

DUMBLEDORE:

Well, what about that, back on the stage again.

Now let’s see how you do in a real fight, Dallben.

Think you can beat Olorin? That’s just barmy

Grab yourself a taste of Dumbledore’s army.