Written Rap Battles of Literature: Pinocchio vs Noddy

 PINOCCHIO

Scusi, I’ve got a rip-off to diss

This taxi driver is taking the piss

Your creator led her husband to the marital slaughter

And then inflicted her pain upon her own daughters!

What kind of coward lets goblins use him for their own gain?

If you were a farmer, you wouldn't glean any grain.

In the age of woke, your popularity is dying

To think it all started 'cos you were scared of a lion.

NODDY

I'll run you over with my little yellow car

Even your Disney cartoon was utterly subpar.

Your anti-learning stance was completely unacceptable

You can't even lie, and you still were deceptable.

I'm a far more likeable char than you will ever be

I've never seen a possessed toy who acts so bratty

If he had any sense, Gepetto would've given up long ago

Because he really doesn't deserve you, as much you know.

PINOCCHIO

Shut up-a your face, won't make no difference

Okay girls and boyyeeees, pardon my indifference.

You insult-a my father, but your horn is a fart.

Of course you're not a toy, call you Slong-art

Once I've mopped the floor, Plod'll drag you to prison

I won't be a good boy, and I think I'll cause the schism.

You abandoned your creator, and got it on with Big-Ears (Oi!)

Look in the mirror - it'll help you notice your Tubby Rear.

NODDY

OI, IT'S NOD THE NOD, I POP ME BUGGERS

ON THIS BLOODY KOFFEE-POT, TALK TO UM

I MAKE YOU TELL 13 LIES, BREAK YOUR NECK

I'LL LEAVE YOU STUCK LOOKING NICE ON A DESK!

I'LL FUCK YOUR MUM, AND THEN BEAT UP YOUR DAD

SHTUPID PUPPET, FUCK YOU, THE DOGFISH'LL BE GLAD

ABANDONED YOUR SIS, THEN GOT LOCKED UP

KILLED A SNAKE, THEN TRIED TO GET MADE INTO A DRUM

I SHALL CRUCIFY YOU ON A TREE, YOU DAMN STUPID SOD

MR PLOD

HALT IN THE NAME OF PLOD!

NODDY

Uh oh.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Frankenstein’s Creature vs Shrike

 THE CREATURE

I'm the real deal, not this undead freak

Ought to be an Adam - tell that to any geek!

Felled by the power of love, you dropped like a stone!

Then you woke up, with only children, and all alone.

Remembering machine? I'm dismembering mechs

If this were a card game, I'd be dealing the decks.

SHRIKE

WHO LET THIS POSER ANYWHERE NEAR ME?

ALL YOUR WANTED WAS YOUR CREATOR'S LOVE, BUT HE HATED YE

YOU THREW A HISSY FIT AND YOU MURDERED ALL HIS FRIENDS

YOUR UGLINESS WAS A THING YOU JUST COULDN'T COMPREHEND

LET'S FACE IT, NOBODY WOULD PLAY GOD FOR THIS FREAK

HESTER WOULD RATHER DEFECATE ON YOU THAN ACCEPT YOUR MYSTIQUE

JUST COULDN'T WORK OUT HOW TO COHABIT WITH HUMANS

BUT EVEN I WOULDN'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, MAN

THE CREATURE

You're a mere curiosity, Orianna would quite agree

At least this MC's more of a semblance of humanity

I'm Olimpia's consort, and King of the Toylands

And I absolutely have never lost my hands.

My book challenged Regency thinking and science

Wantonly bestowed with life, yes, but by no means inept

I murdered at least three or four people and the secret was kept.

SHRIKE

YOU WANTED YOUR CREATOR TO MAKE YOU A BRIDE

I AT LEAST WOULDN'T WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE RUN AND HIDE

AT ANY RATE, IT WAS AN OFFENCE TO THINK YOU COULD REPLACE ME

YOUR BORIS KARLOFF DEPICTION JUST SCREWED YOU UP UTTERLY!

YOU DEBUTED IN A BOOK THAT PEOPLE DON'T READ ANYMORE

I'M SURE BYRONIC ANGST WOULD COME KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR

LOOK, I CAN CONDONE AT LEAST SOME OF YOUR BEHAVIOUR

BUT EVEN I CAN'T FORGIVE YOUR CAMEO IN HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Calcifer vs Crowley

CALCIFER

In this battle, your outcome's looking pretty dismal.

I'm shining like a gemstone, you can call me Billy Crystal.

I refuse to be exploited, but I've got this single hitch,

Spawning T-shirts and merchandise up your arse, bitch!

The scary and powerful fire demon is scorching your raps

My contract allows me to incinerate your turgid angel chap.

Is fomenting discord all you know? You're a nuisance.

You're so utterly inept even Mandrake would think you useless.

CROWLEY

Had you not eaten Howl's heart, you'd have been minced.

All you do is sit around the castle doling out hints

I saved the world from the Apocalypse, you elf.

I even designed London's very motorway itself.

Adam would agree that you're not exactly Daryan

We won't forget the time you fought the Librarian.

I'll pour holy water on you while I'm on the go

Your creator was an antiquated hazbin hoe!

Let's face it, you weren't exactly a beauty

But Ghibli came along and made you a cute little cutie!

CALCIFER

Right, now that you've bruised my ego, let's dance.

I mean, what is it with you and your obsession with plants?

I'm hinting disapprovingly, just call me James Frownwoods

'Cos I fell from the sky, you just 'sauntered vaguely downwards'.

In terms of who’s a better demon, there’s really no contest

I’m a well-rounded character and that makes me the best.

Your creators named you after a notorious occultist

They couldn't have possibly gotten any more pissed.

Me! Lubbock-killing MC, meanie blue-and-greeny

You, adviser to Shakespeare, turncoat, gang member

Might as well have been a djinn or genie!

CROWLEY

You’re just Sophie’s bitch, and you’re vulnerable to water

Led a fellow daemon like a lamb to the slaughter

I'm practically the hero, you're just a hanger-on

Practically bullied by an old biddy to cook on.

I'm an MC brimming with brimstone and fire

I'll throw water on you to douse you out of ire

I drove through my handiwork, hated the flood

You're just a mere flame of a dud.

The Grand Council would prefer to brand you a nutter

But they all say - SO LONG SUCKER!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Samuel Whiskers vs. the Mouse King

 THE MOUSE KING

Me?! Battle this psychotic rat!?

It's beneath my dignity, so Sammy take that!

From Hoffman's brain, I sprang forth to challenge you.

Every one of my seven mouths is looking to disparage you.

What kind of rat tries to eat a cat and still comes off a failure?

Maybe you should've thought about the size of it like your behaviour.

You're nothing more than some prat who can't handle a rolling pin.

You traumatised a poor kitten, and you couldn't even win!

SAMUEL WHISKERS

You got curb-stomped by a slipper from some stupid little girl,

Your loss against the humans really makes me want to hurl.

You're only evil 'cos your mum wanted some fatty meat

And cursed a princess, so your fate was ironic and neat.

All your crowns were stolen after you died.

It wouldn't surprise me if the Stahlbaums skinned your hide!

I'm going to eat this hazbin with some dough and a pat of butter

'Cos you'll know better than to mess with a rat from the gutters.

At least I did something, what you did couldn't be shiter.

When I've battled you, you'll be forgotten - like your writer!

MOUSE KING

You yourself ended up going on the run.

All you ever did was inspire kittens to kill rats for fun!

Your books are dated, and very, very twee.

My book's a classic, one of the best kids books in Germany!

Written by one of the best Romantic authors since Goethe

Yours were written by an old woman whose deaths hurt her.

Go vanish from the page, like you did when Norm died.

Once I've tormented you in your brain, I'll make you my slave.

And then Farmer Potatoes will send you to your grave.

SAMUEL WHISKERS

I was created from Beatrix Potter's productive brain

You were ripped from folklore by some consumptive Prussian

Even Spider was a better rat king than you'll ever be

Oh, I'm sorry, forgive my manners, Your Majesty

But your mind games won't do me or anyone else good

Humans are things that mess with you never should

I terrified Tom Kitten and made him afraid of mice

And in BP's books, I only ever appeared twice.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Richard Hannay vs James Bond

 RICHARD HANNAY

Oh I say! A cheap ripoff of me

Good news, Bond, the bell tolls for thee!

You're already afflicted with the wokish poison

Hitchcock and Buchan are not your toys, son.

You bed women, and leave 'em the next morning

Your lack of empathy just has me yawning.

JAMES BOND

You're Scottish and you don't even have the accent

I do say, you need consistency, for it lacks it.

Your book is over a century out of date

Your BBC miniseries did nothing but dissipate.

My films still rake in millions, and I'm a British icon

You're all but forgotten, 'cos your wars are long gone.

RICHARD HANNAY

At least I don't have most of the behaviour you displayed

When you got kicked out of Eton 'cos you fucked a maid

Let's just face it, your series hasn't really aged well,

For your misogyny, you can just as well burn in hell.

Your love for your job just isn't there

You pummelled Goldfinger to death on a plane from his lair.

Speaking of films, my '78 one set the record straight

You're just a grumpy drunk with a bucketload of hate.

JAMES BOND

I'm the face of modern Britain, you're a Boy's Own hero

Got eclipsed by your film? Oh, dearie, dear-o!

May Maxwell will sweep you under the rug

Now go and raise your son, you OBE-holding lug!

Didn't even meet your daddy till you were six

That's the number of your adventures vs. my 25 flicks!

Clanroyden will just watch, like a worthless blood-brother

When I give you the treatment your foes gave to Scudder!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Black Beauty vs Silver Blaze

 BLACK BEAUTY

In this contest of horses, I’m the father-fucking best

I’m better than Bucephalus! You, you have no zest

I appeared in a novel, a worldwide bestseller

You only appeared in a short story, you sly old fella

You freaked out and murdered your handler

Almost lost the race: I’ll call you Adam Sandler

Sherlock Holmes could see your guilt a mile away

Let’s just say you didn’t win the day.

SILVER BLAZE

Think I intended to murder the human? Bitch, please

You’re the worst thing to happen to a horse since fleas

You didn’t exactly have a life that was better

From Squire to Cab-horse, you found yourself fettered.

I'm sure your character can't possibly persist

Without my help, Haddon's Incident wouldn't exist.

BLACK BEAUTY

Joey was leagues better than you, so quit bluffing!

I'm the hero of my novel, you're just a McGuffin!

I saved a rider of mine from a flooded bridge.

You didn't even hide your crimes just a smidge!

I made people treat horses better, and stop whipping 'em

Your legacy involved attacking stable-boys and tripping 'em

SILVER BLAZE

Dear old Bucy was afraid of his own shadow

To compare yourself to him is rather callow

Bree, Fledge, Artax are better examples than you

Of characterisation and the things humans spew

Your girlfriend died, but your war takes the cake

The Trojan Horse was better, and he was also fake! 

You're bland as vanilla, and no racing Thoroughbred

So the glue factory's the only place that you're head!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Aerith Gainsborough vs Eliza Doolittle

 AERITH GAINSBOROUGH

It’s the battle of the flower girls and it’s me who’s gonna win

‘Cos I’d always be far better than this boohooing din.

I don’t need no elocution to see through your ruse

You, a Duchess? Ha, I’m definitively amused.

I’m the last of the Cetra, you’re a whiny waste

You only ever got married in haste.

Your author hated you and Freddy being shipped.

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

If Emlyra had done her duty by you as a mother should

You would have known better than to knock on wood. 

So move your bloomin arse! I’m the one who’s winning

It’s the Duchess who always wins the third inning!

You always try to be loose and slack

But you didn’t look up when Seffie stabbed you in the back.

AERITH GAINSBOROUGH

If you had bollocks, I'd have ripped them off.

Your lack of agency is certainly worth a laugh

I'll tear off your George Bernard Shawl

Like your deleted scenes, I'll limit your whorl.

Got kicked out by your stepmum, your dad hates you

Lissen Grove evidently execrates you.

Your lack of agency is very bad for your character.

Bullied by Higgins, who was unrepentant after.

You silly girl, stop trying to be all sprightly.

Think you're gonna win? Not bloody likely!

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

You ain't exactly a feminist icon yerself, love

Better get yourself a taxi and get yerself in, guv.

Your romance with Cloud was an helpless case

The ultimate White Magic was a wild goose chase!

Your planet would have been destroyed without luck

Cos as a magic user, you damned bloody well suck!

Too damn good for this sinful earth, I should think

The only thing you're good at is wearing pink.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!