Written Rap Battles of Literature: Samuel Whiskers vs. the Mouse King

 THE MOUSE KING

Me?! Battle this psychotic rat!?

It's beneath my dignity, so Sammy take that!

From Hoffman's brain, I sprang forth to challenge you.

Every one of my seven mouths is looking to disparage you.

What kind of rat tries to eat a cat and still comes off a failure?

Maybe you should've thought about the size of it like your behaviour.

You're nothing more than some prat who can't handle a rolling pin.

You traumatised a poor kitten, and you couldn't even win!

SAMUEL WHISKERS

You got curb-stomped by a slipper from some stupid little girl,

Your loss against the humans really makes me want to hurl.

You're only evil 'cos your mum wanted some fatty meat

And cursed a princess, so your fate was ironic and neat.

All your crowns were stolen after you died.

It wouldn't surprise me if the Stahlbaums skinned your hide!

I'm going to eat this hazbin with some dough and a pat of butter

'Cos you'll know better than to mess with a rat from the gutters.

At least I did something, what you did couldn't be shiter.

When I've battled you, you'll be forgotten - like your writer!

MOUSE KING

You yourself ended up going on the run.

All you ever did was inspire kittens to kill rats for fun!

Your books are dated, and very, very twee.

My book's a classic, one of the best kids books in Germany!

Written by one of the best Romantic authors since Goethe

Yours were written by an old woman whose deaths hurt her.

Go vanish from the page, like you did when Norm died.

Once I've tormented you in your brain, I'll make you my slave.

And then Farmer Potatoes will send you to your grave.

SAMUEL WHISKERS

I was created from Beatrix Potter's productive brain

You were ripped from folklore by some consumptive Prussian

Even Spider was a better rat king than you'll ever be

Oh, I'm sorry, forgive my manners, Your Majesty

But your mind games won't do me or anyone else good

Humans are things that mess with you never should

I terrified Tom Kitten and made him afraid of mice

And in BP's books, I only ever appeared twice.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Richard Hannay vs James Bond

 RICHARD HANNAY

Oh I say! A cheap ripoff of me

Good news, Bond, the bell tolls for thee!

You're already afflicted with the wokish poison

Hitchcock and Buchan are not your toys, son.

You bed women, and leave 'em the next morning

Your lack of empathy just has me yawning.

JAMES BOND

You're Scottish and you don't even have the accent

I do say, you need consistency, for it lacks it.

Your book is over a century out of date

Your BBC miniseries did nothing but dissipate.

My films still rake in millions, and I'm a British icon

You're all but forgotten, 'cos your wars are long gone.

RICHARD HANNAY

At least I don't have most of the behaviour you displayed

When you got kicked out of Eton 'cos you fucked a maid

Let's just face it, your series hasn't really aged well,

For your misogyny, you can just as well burn in hell.

Your love for your job just isn't there

You pummelled Goldfinger to death on a plane from his lair.

Speaking of films, my '78 one set the record straight

You're just a grumpy drunk with a bucketload of hate.

JAMES BOND

I'm the face of modern Britain, you're a Boy's Own hero

Got eclipsed by your film? Oh, dearie, dear-o!

May Maxwell will sweep you under the rug

Now go and raise your son, you OBE-holding lug!

Didn't even meet your daddy till you were six

That's the number of your adventures vs. my 25 flicks!

Clanroyden will just watch, like a worthless blood-brother

When I give you the treatment your foes gave to Scudder!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Black Beauty vs Silver Blaze

 BLACK BEAUTY

In this contest of horses, I’m the father-fucking best

I’m better than Bucephalus! You, you have no zest

I appeared in a novel, a worldwide bestseller

You only appeared in a short story, you sly old fella

You freaked out and murdered your handler

Almost lost the race: I’ll call you Adam Sandler

Sherlock Holmes could see your guilt a mile away

Let’s just say you didn’t win the day.

SILVER BLAZE

Think I intended to murder the human? Bitch, please

You’re the worst thing to happen to a horse since fleas

You didn’t exactly have a life that was better

From Squire to Cab-horse, you found yourself fettered.

I'm sure your character can't possibly persist

Without my help, Haddon's Incident wouldn't exist.

BLACK BEAUTY

Joey was leagues better than you, so quit bluffing!

I'm the hero of my novel, you're just a McGuffin!

I saved a rider of mine from a flooded bridge.

You didn't even hide your crimes just a smidge!

I made people treat horses better, and stop whipping 'em

Your legacy involved attacking stable-boys and tripping 'em

SILVER BLAZE

Dear old Bucy was afraid of his own shadow

To compare yourself to him is rather callow

Bree, Fledge, Artax are better examples than you

Of characterisation and the things humans spew

Your girlfriend died, but your war takes the cake

The Trojan Horse was better, and he was also fake! 

You're bland as vanilla, and no racing Thoroughbred

So the glue factory's the only place that you're head!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Aerith Gainsborough vs Eliza Doolittle

 AERITH GAINSBOROUGH

It’s the battle of the flower girls and it’s me who’s gonna win

‘Cos I’d always be far better than this boohooing din.

I don’t need no elocution to see through your ruse

You, a Duchess? Ha, I’m definitively amused.

I’m the last of the Cetra, you’re a whiny waste

You only ever got married in haste.

Your author hated you and Freddy being shipped.

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

If Emlyra had done her duty by you as a mother should

You would have known better than to knock on wood. 

So move your bloomin arse! I’m the one who’s winning

It’s the Duchess who always wins the third inning!

You always try to be loose and slack

But you didn’t look up when Seffie stabbed you in the back.

AERITH GAINSBOROUGH

If you had bollocks, I'd have ripped them off.

Your lack of agency is certainly worth a laugh

I'll tear off your George Bernard Shawl

Like your deleted scenes, I'll limit your whorl.

Got kicked out by your stepmum, your dad hates you

Lissen Grove evidently execrates you.

Your lack of agency is very bad for your character.

Bullied by Higgins, who was unrepentant after.

You silly girl, stop trying to be all sprightly.

Think you're gonna win? Not bloody likely!

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

You ain't exactly a feminist icon yerself, love

Better get yourself a taxi and get yerself in, guv.

Your romance with Cloud was an helpless case

The ultimate White Magic was a wild goose chase!

Your planet would have been destroyed without luck

Cos as a magic user, you damned bloody well suck!

Too damn good for this sinful earth, I should think

The only thing you're good at is wearing pink.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Fiver vs Sibyl Trelawney

 PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY

If this weakling wants a war, it's a war he shall get!

In terms of who's a better psychic, I've no cause for regrets

Born the runt of the litter, you can't fight to save your life

And yet somehow, you wound up bagging a wife!

Your seizures and dreams pale in comparison to me

On the 26th of October, the Black Rabbit will come for thee

So stay away from me, familiar stranger,

Or else you will be in grave danger!

FIVER

Silflay hraka, you demonic lass

I don't need a pocket watch to kick your arse

Your prophecies are a joke, devoid of weight

So - get out! - at least my rhymes are doing great!

I prophesied the destruction of Sandleford Warren

You ended up fired at the hands of a bitchy moron!

Without Dumbledore, you'd be nothing, you chive

You need to get out of Hogwarts and get a bloody life!

PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY

I'm so sorry, dear boy, was that a verse? Must've dozed off

That being said, your verses make me laugh! You're alone

Even your warren doubts your prophecies till it's too late

Even your gender politics are long out of date!

Hrairoo me old man, you're long in your grave, you

Your film is better, and even Netflix couldn't save you.

FIVER

You can leave now or you can be destroyed

This bunny ain't something with which you can toy

Call me Nick, when I steal your artistic integrity

Like your authors, when she compromised her levity.

Keehar and Hazel would really like a word

Cos in terms of magicks, you're utterly absurd!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

The Epic of Vanderbilt the Tyrant - Canto One

 Hello, chaps! On this post, I shall be serialising my latest poem, my epic poem the Epic of Vanderbilt the Tyrant!

CANTO ONE

The tyrant - sing, goddess - of the tyrant,

Vanderbilt cruel-hearted, who the world

Of snow did rule with Estyrian iron-fist.

Dangerous his power, great his insanity

Evil as the portrait of his crumbling self.

It began with a quarrel, a quarrel between

The prior snowmen, as they arrived in the 

Snow world, and set up residency. Tell me, 

Muse, the causes of their quarrel. What

Esteemable misery could these snowmen have.

But listen, for Nix who guides the stars arrives,

Sailing down from the sky like a shooting star

When it sails through the sky, burning, 

Leaving behind a trail of light in its wake,

So too does Father Nix land in the world,

The world his mighty hands forged.

“What be the matter, my children?

Do you not appreciate the effort I put in

To craft this magnificent world for you,

By my own hand and no one else’s.

Come, children, tell me your sorrows,

For any problems you have you can

Always bring to me. Any palaver

I will do my best to solve.”

So he spoke, and Zarolith of the snowmen answered:

“O great lord, you who we worship with all our hearts,

And who we cannot live without - for the rat-like

Men of Muttongard can fast perpetually in the dark-

We are lost. We will not deny your dominion, but

We have no earthly representative of your radiance

To guide us. Therefore, like all other nations and species

We want a monarch - either a king, or a queen, like those

That the blue bottle flies have. Can you grant us this?”

So he asked, and Lord Nix the cumulus-gatherer was silent,

For he had crafted the snow world with his hands, 

The luminaries, sun and moon bursting from his anus,

So that the snowmen would live without fear of government

On Muttongard. Therefore, to think the matter over, he

Flies through the Hyperborean vacuum of the void,

In which the Oak that contains all the worlds sits

Until he passes into the world of Xalian, that place

Where the centaurs do drink and bed comely wenches

Until he reaches a magnificent beach, where the surf

Sounds against the seashore. The cliffs here stand

Tall as Atlas of Muttongard or Vakkanar the Vofrith,

One of the two Vofrith brothers who founded the

Great empire of the Vofrith, who fortune favours e’en

To this day. Like a wall that stands around a prison

Tall, foreboding and rough, preventing all hope of

Escape from the prisoners, so too does this cliff stand.

Atop it stands a magnificent palace, whose walls are made

Most entirely of glass, upon which Helioz shimmers as he

Draws his chariot across the sky. One tower is a minaret,

Made of glass, but which hath curtains around it, for this

Is a special room which no mortal null can penetrate.

The other towers stand gleaming in the sun like Gerth

And they would all seem to be entirely crafted of windows.

Here the goddess of the water, bubbly Aqua, resides,

She who controls all waters and wine-dark seas in all worlds.

So then does Lord Nix fly up to the great door of this palace

That which is engraved with various scenes from the world

On one panel, one sees Nalsa, the great lioness, birthing

The magnificent Oak, she who all the gods call mother,

It emerges from her chest as she reclines on the ground,

Sprouting high to the top of the panel. The next is that of

Aqua’s birth: where Nix came into existence just as he is

She emerged from the privates of Armaloth, which fell in

That primordial realm she rules. Therefore, it depicts her

Standing atop the sea, just newly created, as the beasts

Of the sea joyfully dance around her, for they know that 

She hath come to guide them from chaos. The third panel

Depicts the gods creating each world: when the Oak was

Birthed, it had no worlds upon its branches. Therefore the gods

Created each glowing orb atop each branch they stand upon.

The fifth panel depicts Lady Aqua crafting her palace out of

Thin air. Admiring these scenes and knowing perfectly well

What they were, Lord Nix knocks on this magnificent door,

Which opens by itself. Therefore, with a sigh, godly Nix

Enters the palace.

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Indiana Jones vs Allan Quatermain

 INDIANA JONES

I hate snakes, and this elephant hunter's one of them!

I'll raise the Staff at the god of the Sun at 'im!

I'm famous for my movies, my boulder, my iconic look

You're only famous because of Alan Moore's fourth best book!

I never knew being able to hunt was a suitable requirement

Playing you made the guy playing my dad hit retirement!

You indulge in cocaine, a most deplorable habit

Wanna hunt something? Go hunt a rabbit!

ALLAN QUATERMAIN

For a teacher, you just can't stay in the classroom.

I'll bet the actors playing your girls didn't stay in the churchroom!

Let's face it, one of them wasn't even a bloody American,

Your self-centred country should be 'presented by a pelican!

I found King Solomon's Mines, fought alongside Umslopogaas

I even met a mammoth and a man frozen in the ice.

You insult me again, I'll stab you with my spear

Your ivory boulder will prove ineffective, I fear.

INDIANA JONES

Self-centred? Yeah, that's rich.

Your movie stole my ideas, you English sonuvabitch!

At least I pay attention to my biological son

Elephants ain't for hunting, dear Macumazahn.

I've tangled with cultists, Nazis and God himself

In your sequel, your author tried to put you on the shelf.

ALLAN QUATERMAIN

You seriously think your aliens can cause me to tarry?

Don't you dare imply I neglected my poor Harry!

Against a mad swordsman, you can't fight properly

Your rival plagiarised your intellectual property!

Marion says you really shoulda stuck with her

Rather than illegitimately fathering and adopting Chink litter.

Zikali will leave a taste in your mouth that'll be so bitter

That my verses will seem like a bloody light hitter!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!