Written Rap Battles of Literature: Samuel Whiskers vs. the Mouse King

 THE MOUSE KING

Me?! Battle this psychotic rat!?

It's beneath my dignity, so Sammy take that!

From Hoffman's brain, I sprang forth to challenge you.

Every one of my seven mouths is looking to disparage you.

What kind of rat tries to eat a cat and still comes off a failure?

Maybe you should've thought about the size of it like your behaviour.

You're nothing more than some prat who can't handle a rolling pin.

You traumatised a poor kitten, and you couldn't even win!

SAMUEL WHISKERS

You got curb-stomped by a slipper from some stupid little girl,

Your loss against the humans really makes me want to hurl.

You're only evil 'cos your mum wanted some fatty meat

And cursed a princess, so your fate was ironic and neat.

All your crowns were stolen after you died.

It wouldn't surprise me if the Stahlbaums skinned your hide!

I'm going to eat this hazbin with some dough and a pat of butter

'Cos you'll know better than to mess with a rat from the gutters.

At least I did something, what you did couldn't be shiter.

When I've battled you, you'll be forgotten - like your writer!

MOUSE KING

You yourself ended up going on the run.

All you ever did was inspire kittens to kill rats for fun!

Your books are dated, and very, very twee.

My book's a classic, one of the best kids books in Germany!

Written by one of the best Romantic authors since Goethe

Yours were written by an old woman whose deaths hurt her.

Go vanish from the page, like you did when Norm died.

Once I've tormented you in your brain, I'll make you my slave.

And then Farmer Potatoes will send you to your grave.

SAMUEL WHISKERS

I was created from Beatrix Potter's productive brain

You were ripped from folklore by some consumptive Prussian

Even Spider was a better rat king than you'll ever be

Oh, I'm sorry, forgive my manners, Your Majesty

But your mind games won't do me or anyone else good

Humans are things that mess with you never should

I terrified Tom Kitten and made him afraid of mice

And in BP's books, I only ever appeared twice.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Richard Hannay vs James Bond

 RICHARD HANNAY

Oh I say! A cheap ripoff of me

Good news, Bond, the bell tolls for thee!

You're already afflicted with the wokish poison

Hitchcock and Buchan are not your toys, son.

You bed women, and leave 'em the next morning

Your lack of empathy just has me yawning.

JAMES BOND

You're Scottish and you don't even have the accent

I do say, you need consistency, for it lacks it.

Your book is over a century out of date

Your BBC miniseries did nothing but dissipate.

My films still rake in millions, and I'm a British icon

You're all but forgotten, 'cos your wars are long gone.

RICHARD HANNAY

At least I don't have most of the behaviour you displayed

When you got kicked out of Eton 'cos you fucked a maid

Let's just face it, your series hasn't really aged well,

For your misogyny, you can just as well burn in hell.

Your love for your job just isn't there

You pummelled Goldfinger to death on a plane from his lair.

Speaking of films, my '78 one set the record straight

You're just a grumpy drunk with a bucketload of hate.

JAMES BOND

I'm the face of modern Britain, you're a Boy's Own hero

Got eclipsed by your film? Oh, dearie, dear-o!

May Maxwell will sweep you under the rug

Now go and raise your son, you OBE-holding lug!

Didn't even meet your daddy till you were six

That's the number of your adventures vs. my 25 flicks!

Clanroyden will just watch, like a worthless blood-brother

When I give you the treatment your foes gave to Scudder!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!

Written Rap Battles of Literature: Black Beauty vs Silver Blaze

 BLACK BEAUTY

In this contest of horses, I’m the father-fucking best

I’m better than Bucephalus! You, you have no zest

I appeared in a novel, a worldwide bestseller

You only appeared in a short story, you sly old fella

You freaked out and murdered your handler

Almost lost the race: I’ll call you Adam Sandler

Sherlock Holmes could see your guilt a mile away

Let’s just say you didn’t win the day.

SILVER BLAZE

Think I intended to murder the human? Bitch, please

You’re the worst thing to happen to a horse since fleas

You didn’t exactly have a life that was better

From Squire to Cab-horse, you found yourself fettered.

I'm sure your character can't possibly persist

Without my help, Haddon's Incident wouldn't exist.

BLACK BEAUTY

Joey was leagues better than you, so quit bluffing!

I'm the hero of my novel, you're just a McGuffin!

I saved a rider of mine from a flooded bridge.

You didn't even hide your crimes just a smidge!

I made people treat horses better, and stop whipping 'em

Your legacy involved attacking stable-boys and tripping 'em

SILVER BLAZE

Dear old Bucy was afraid of his own shadow

To compare yourself to him is rather callow

Bree, Fledge, Artax are better examples than you

Of characterisation and the things humans spew

Your girlfriend died, but your war takes the cake

The Trojan Horse was better, and he was also fake! 

You're bland as vanilla, and no racing Thoroughbred

So the glue factory's the only place that you're head!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

WE'LL SEE!